Sometimes I read someone else’s words and they resonate through my soul as if I had written them myself.
Today, reading Jen Gray, I had one of those moments where I found myself saying, Yes. Me too.
So much of what she said rang true with me. Maybe not today, but at one time. But that last line, I felt with my heart. Maybe I am not in love, but I know the feeling.
I love you because you made my heart have hope again.
Yes.
And I needed hope.
Day before yesterday. Beautiful compared to the gray drizzly day today.
being inspired by: Amanda Soule
listening to: Brad Paisley
When I looked out today
And saw that the sky was gray
I thought about the way
You loved days like this
Long week. I’d try to pretend that I am not, but it’s obvious. So obvious that my mother came out of surgery today, looked at me and said, “Are you ok?” I almost laughed. It’s not that we are exactly close. She normally can’t grasp the most obvious things about me. But she said, “You look pale.” I wasn’t pale. I was recovering from yet another migraine. And a crash. I was afraid last week that I was just a little manic but I tried to convince myself that I am not really bipolar. I haven’t been manic in 10 years. Long enough to start believing I was misdiagnosed way back then. But I knew it. My brain wouldn’t stop spinning. Then suddenly, boom. That icky weepy depression. I cry every time I hear Government Mule’s Beautifully Broken. And I keep playing it. I am scared becaues if they highs are higher than they have been in 10 years, what does that mean about the lows? What kind of depression is nibbling at my toes just waiting to drag me under.
No really, I am fine. Just tired and overthinking things.
Shoots tomorrow. Rain forecast for tomorrow. Not a good combination.
More later.
A bunch of inspiring women whose blogs I read (although they have probably never heard of mine) are making “Mondo Beyondo” lists. I decided I want to play too. I am not usually much of a follower but maybe putting it into words will help me with the path I plan on following.
1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2007?
(What did you create? What challenges did you face with courage and strength? What promises did you keep to yourself? What brave choices did you make? What are you proud of?)
I survived. Sometimes that is an accomplishment by itself. I became a better photographer. I better defined what I want from life, even if I haven’t found it yet. I turned 40. I allowed someone into my heart, even though it was for a brief moment. I caught a glimpse of the good thing that I want in my life, proving that it does exist.
2. What is there to grieve about 2007?
(What was disappointing? What was scary? What was hard? What can you forgive yourself for?)
I didn’t meet so many goals that I had. I pretty much had a complete breakdown early summer and had to muddle through and climb out alone. My house didn’t get finished. I didn’t get far in business or legally ending my marriage. I lost a dear friend. I didn’t celebrate turning 40 with the bang I envisioned. I didn’t embrace my own creativity. I floundered a lot, was lost and hurt a lot. And I forgive myself for all of that.
3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete?
This wasn’t a terrible year. Just trying and full of growth. Not the kind of growth that is obvious. The kind that happens internally and hurts like hell and leaves you with nothing tangible to show for it. But growth none the less. I survived and I have a better foundation for my future because of you, 2007.
I declare 2007 complete!
I feel good. Like I closed a door on a lot of pain and sorrow and that I am ready to move forward now.
Now, 2008…. bring it on!
2008 is my year of magic.
A – Available or Single? Available but not really looking.
B – Best Friend? Denise
C – Cake or Pie? Pie usually. I’ll take a slice of cake though.
D – Drink of Choice? unsweetened tea
E – Essential Item? camera
F – Favorite Color? Not sure. Maybe red.
G – Gummi Bears or Worms? Gummi Bears
H – Hometown? Meridian
I – Indulgence? dark chocolate
J – January or February? February because it’s closer to spring. Don’t like either though.
K – Kids and Names? Scott and Christina
L – Life is incomplete without? Kisses. And love and passion. And dark chocolate. And bubble baths.
M – Marriage Date? June 14th the first time. Flag day. Whatever day hell is scheduled to freeze over for next time.
N – Number of Siblings? 2 older sisters
O – Oranges or Apples? grapes
P – Phobias/Fears? heights and elevators
Q – Favorite Quote? “Make a little birdhouse in your soul.” ~TMBG
R – Reasons to smile? Life. I’m short on very specific reasons right now. Although I smile at the thought of a future kiss I know I’ll be getting.
S – Season? Spring
T – Tag 3 People: I doubt three people read this. But Denise if she reads it. Anybody else who reads, consider yourself tagged.
U – Unknown Fact About Me? I delivered a preemie baby on the kitchen floor for a friend once.
V – Vegetable You Hate? canned green beans
W – Worst Habit? biting my nails. panicking. staying in love too long.
X – X-rays You’ve Had? all of me at some point or another. I am a klutz.
Y – Your Favorite Foods? Thai chicken and cashews
Z – Zodiac? Cancer
Late last night it hit me that i simply refuse to apologize for who I am anymore. I am intense. Deal with it.
I have spent years censoring myself. I know I can be overwhelming I try to not send people running into the corner to hide. I try to sit quietly even when I am excited. I try to give one sentence answers when the question you asked me really requires 5 pages to answer. I try to hide me enthusiasm. To sit still. To keep my hands to myself.
And that’s fine, with casual acquaintances. I’m sure I’ll continue to try and bite my tongue and sit quietly in polite company.
But the simple fact is that I am an intense person. I feel everything, probably 100 times more than some people feel them. Should I pretend not to? Should I keep it all inside? Should I go back to medicating it all away?
I honestly think that I’m not the only one. I believe that there are other people out there who choose to dance when they feel happy and sing when they feel joy and cry when they are sad instead of keeping on a mask. I honestly believe that there are others out there who love with every cell in their bodies, ferociously, completely, all-consuming unconditional kind of love. I love like that. And I want to be loved like that.
I want to spend the rest of my life with my best friend and soulmate, connected, living and loving and enjoying life. I want someone who loves me even when I don’t deserve to be loved. Someone who will walk through the hell that I created to carry me back. And someone who will accept the same from me. I want someone who understands that I nursed a broken heart for three freakin’ years simply because loving 100% is the only way I know how to love and when you love that way, you don’t just lay it down and walk away, even when the person you love does. Even when he didn’t deserve to be loved anymore. Even when he wasn’t there anymore. And someone who understands that even though the hurt almost killed me, I want to do it again. I don’t want anything less ever again. All or nothing.
So, just a little open note to the man in my future, in case he’s out there somewhere: Yes I am intense, but not clingy. Have your own interests, your own life, your own friends. But I want to come back together with the intensity of a hurricane hitting the shore. I want to create something so big and powerful that it takes down everything in it’s path and leaves us both weak and dazed and clinging to each other. And tomorrow, I want to do it all over again. I will probably touch you every time I pass you and kiss you 3 million times a day and tell you I love you way too often, not out of insecurity but because I tend to spill out freely what I am feeling at that exact moment because I know that life changes so quickly it should be felt and enjoyed and acknowledged. When you hurt me, I’ll cry. When you kiss me, I’ll forgive you every single time. And tomorrow I will probably have forgotten that I ever hurt. I will bake you cookies and leave love notes in your briefcase and rub your shoulders just as often 15 years from now as I do today, because that’s just how I am. I won’t need variety to keep life exciting. I will just need you and your love, full force, no holding back.
I will probably talk to much and tell you every detail when I am excited. Sometimes at 3:00 AM when you would rather sleep. But I will also want to hear everything you have to say. I will want to share your excitement and joy and pain and be a part of it all for you. And I will love every second of it.
So, no more apologies for being too intense. No more toning it down to keep from scaring men. Instead, I just want to find someone who loves life….. and me…. without holding back.
I am not going to smolder. It’s time for a raging wildfire!
And like Carly said:
i don’t want a man
who tiptoes up the stairs
all i want is you
and the freight train
whistling over my track
all i want is you
and your mack truck loving
jumping me jack!
Lately I have felt like a door has opened in my life. At first I was standing at the open door looking out at the countless opportunities. So many directions I could go. It’s a whole big world out there.
But now I am realizing that there is more. When the door opened, it also allows things to flow in. Energy. Life. Joy.
I haven’t felt this happy in quite a while. And I can’t explain it. There isn’t anything big and exciting going on. Actually you might would think just the opposite if you looked at some of the things that have gone on this last month.
Still, I feel this happy energy buzzing through my life. And I think that something big is about to happen.
Maybe it’s just time for change.
Whatever it is, it feels very good.
Life is hitting me full force right now. Between the holiday crazies, my mother’s surgery, visits with the ex and house remodeling, I am pulled in too many directions.
Now, the holidays are over, so it’s supposed to quiet down some. But I realize that I still have too many balls in the air. Everything is changing and shifting.
The first change is good. Work, not that I actually work, is picking up. Commissioned pieces are coming in constantly, sales are starting to increase in the shops I’m in, February’s designs are being well-received, and I’ve been asked to hold some workshops. Plus portrait work is getting steady, even for the slow time of the year, and I keep getting calls for non-portrait stuff starting with, “I need a professional.” And I always want to say, “Who told you I was a professional???” I know, I spent a year promoting myself as one with nobody buying it. Now that it seems that everyone sees me that way, it always catches me off guard. I am being asked to do things I have never done before, big important things, based on the overall quality of my work, not my actual experience or expertise in that area. That little voice in the back of my mind that reminds me that I don’t know how to do this and that I am going to fail… well, I’ve tied him up and gagged him and stuck him in the corner. I have learned to shoot from the hip and plan on the fly. And it feels good.
Relationships are shifting. People are pulling away, others coming closer…. Someone I care about deeply needs me but won’t let me be there and honestly won’t do what he needs to do to help himself. I was worried, then frustrated, and I’m bordering on the edge of angry now. My best friend has some health challenges that worry me, and I just want to wrap myself around her and make it all ok because she deserves to be ok, better than ok, more than anyone I’ve ever known. I lost something that I wanted to hold on to, but it’s showing signs of evolving into something that I like even better. It’s amazing how a little friction serves as sandpaper to wear away some of that pretty varnished veneer revealing something beautiful, something real, something substantial beneath sometimes. I feel a little like I’m peaking under superman’s cape, but I like what I’m finding. Oh and lets not forget that in the middle of everything else, because I said I was going to be celibate for six months and because God has a sense of humor, I now officially have a date with Mr. Rodgers. But I am going to learn to play bridge and enjoy it. Does anyone have a sweater and some sensible shoes I can borrow?
Today I am tackling:
Then I’m cleaning my bedroom, just because it should be ready in case superman comes to my rescue anytime soon. A girl can dream, right?
